I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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