my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
