My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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