i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
