Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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