She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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