i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
