I feel like I'm in dance class right now
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
