woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
