so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
