So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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