So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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