im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
nutella sex= disaster
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
