dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
