I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
