What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
