Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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