she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
