I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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