and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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