Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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