11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Help. Why am I so naked?
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