don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
