His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
