I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
