I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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