Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
