defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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