What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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