Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
