Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
