dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
