I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
