You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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