this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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