he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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