I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
