she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
should my penis look like a turkey
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
