this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
