How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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