Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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