life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
