I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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