Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My nipple is on Facebook.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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