Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
