yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
