I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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