Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
