Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
