I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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